My ending to Jurrasic Park

[Unabound Justice]

At that moment, a juvenile raptor came up to Ellie and nuzzled her leg. She looked down and saw the leather collar with the black box. It was wet in one place and it chafed the skin on the young raptor's neck. The raptor whimpered desperately, as if begging her to remove the acursed item that had caused it so much grief.

In the big room below, one of the adult raptors turned curiously towards the sound, drawing the attention of the others, who snorted suspiciously.

"You think I can take it off?" She whispered.

"Just do it quickly"

"Oo-kay" She said squatting beside the small animal. It whimpered again.

The adults snorted again and moved towards the tiny reptilian predator, bobbing their heads.

Elli petted the juvenile, trying to soothe it, to silence it's whimpering. She reached her hand down and pulled away the velcro with a loud tearing sound that drew the attention of all the raptors that hadn't been paying attention before. One raptor stepped further towards them.

"Oh shit" Genarro hissed softly under his breath.

Ellie tried to keep still as the massive killing machine examined her, its razor sharp teeth close enough to rip her to pieces any moment.

Genarro reached for one of his gas grenades but Grant's hand stopped him. Ellie didn't have her mask.

Ellie tried to take a step back but tripped over the juvenile, causing it to howl in pain. If they hadn't intended on killing them before, they certainly did now.

"Ellie, run!" Grant cried.

"Yeah? Run where, Alan?" She said, taking a step back from the raptor just out of range from it's teeth. Her eyes traveled to the menacing claw on its foot. If it used that, she was dead, but the raptor didn't seem to be trying to kill her, it seemed to be distracting her. That's when she saw it. The other raptors where surrounding her, closing in for the kill. And not just her on the others too.


~*~*~*~*~*~

Tim gritted his teeth as Lex complained for the milionth time she was hungry. How could she think about food at a time like this!?!?

"When are they going to be back?"

"Lex, for the fifth time, I don't know."

"Oh, I'm hungry."

He lost it, she was driving him over the edge. "Lex! I'm sorry but we don't have any food. As soon as we're safe, you'll get food, I promise just-"

"Sh!!!" Lex hissed.

"What is it, Lex?"

"Something's out there."

~*~*~*~*~*~
"Alan...don't look now but they're forming a hunting circle." Ellie said as she stared into the eyes of the massive beast before her.

"You're joking, right?" Grant said, looking around. The raptors tightened the cirle and the three scientists stepped closer together. Ellie wasn't joking.

"I said don't look, Alan!" She hissed softly in frustration.

Alan's throat was too dry to reply, his hands were clamy and he tried to rationalize. He had to think of a way to get out of this situation.

The raptor in front of Ellie made a sort of hissing roar sound. It was clear it'd grown weary of the game. It lunger forward and Ellie closed her eyes, waiting for the sharp peircing pain of the raptor's teether making contact with her flesh.

~*~*~*~*~*~
Muldoon sighed, waiting outside the mouth of the tunnel. What was taking them so long. Having grown impatient, he decided to go in after them. Getting in feet first, the way Dr. Grant and Ellie had, he pushed off and slid down.

~*~*~*~*~*~
Ellie was completely ready to meet her death at the teeth of the vicious monster before her, but it never came. Ellie opened her eyes as she heard an infuriated squawk sound from the raptor. She saw Muldoon standing where the raptor had just been and the raptor was on the ground, attempting to regain it's bearings. Once it had, it stood up.

"Robert, whatever you do, don't move." Ellie hissed.

"What?" Muldoon asked walking towards her, recieving an angered his from the raptors. He stopped.

"What is it with men and listening!?!?" She hissed. "When i say don't move, that means. 'If you want to live, you will not move!!!!"

"Right, sorry. Sorry." Muldoon replied.

"On the count of three, Donald, you throw that gas grenade and run like a bunch of bats out of hell." Grant said. "Ellie, since you don't have a mask you and Robert go first. Me and Donald will come up behind you to make sure the raptors don't get you, alright?"

"No way, Alan. I'm staying behind. This is too dangerous for you guys to do alone. We're in this together. All of us."

"Um...right." Genarro said. "As much as I love these touching soap opera moments, can we please do something and get out of here? Because I certainly don't love getting eaten by a bunch of extinct lizards."

"Actually, they're closer related to birds."

"I don't care! I just want to get out of here before we become their next meal!" Genarro snapped.

Grant hit him, hard. "Chill man! None of us are going to die. Now, how far can you throw that grenade?"

"To the wall."

"Then throw it and let's run." He threw it and they ran.

~*~*~*~*~*~
Tim heard a faint voice. "Hello, is anyone here!?" That sounded like a rescuer! They were saved!

"Here! Here!" Lex cried.

The rescue team heard them and had them on a chopper to Costa Rica in no time.

~*~*~*~*~*~
The party of four tumbled one by one from the tunnel and colapsed outside the hole. It was much to small for the raptors to reach. Ellie heard the hum of a helicopter and they all raced to the beach. They were going to destroy Isla Nublar! The went to get on the helicopter and a soldier was there to aid the,

"You can't kill them!" Ellie pleaded.

"Ma'am-"

"They aren't hurting anybody here, isolated. Why can't they just live here?" Ellie begged. Eventually, the island was allowed to remain untouched and the dinsaurs could stay. All the survivors where soon sent home.

[OpenTheDoor]

*raises hand*
May I ask why this is in the introductions? Surely this would be better placed in out of character...?

Anyway, I'm guessing you want a comment but I'm bored and even if you don't want it, I'm doing it, so, *ahem* Oh, and I'm gonna do it as I would on inkpop.

Section one:
The sentences seem to be rather basic and not all that interesting. There's a lot of work that needs to be done on this in order for it to be good with the spelling too. If I were you I would double-check it on Word or something or get someone who's good at grammar to read it through (which I would do if I was on my laptop and not my crumby phone). Anyway, I'll help with some things, mostly flow and advancing the style.
"She looked down" I would change to 'Looking down, she saw the black box attached to a tight leather collar' for flow.
""You think I should take it off?" She whispered." should just have a lower case 's' for 'she' as it's in the middle of a sentence.
""Just do it quickly"" would need a full stop at the end. Also you kinda don't say who's saying it. At first I thought it was the raptor. If I were you I would definately put in more about who's there and their feelings. You've just basically got the basic story line which isn't all that in depth. You need to put in things other than the action. Ellie might see the pain in the raptor's eyes, that it's had to suffer through all this. It could smile, giving personification and so making it more on par with humans, exactly how this story is wanting to end.
"," she said, squatting next to the animal as it whimpered" or "...next to the animal. As she lowered herself, the creature whimpered, hoping that the pain would soon end." For flowing.
When you get to the adults, they said that the noise was from the room above, confusing me. Also I would put in more detail about the adults like the gleaming anger/curiousity in their eyes or the snarling snaps of their quick footsteps or something. You need to work on details.
", [and] to silence it's whimpering." I would add the and for flow.
"a loud tearing sound"? How about something like an 'echous crack'? From what I've gathered they're either in a cave or an abadonned building which would echo. You need to be more adventurous with the words, like you should use words other than 'juvenille'(sp?) and use ones like 'young'.
Also you do use their names a lot. What's wrong with using pronouns? Or 'the scared girl' or 'the doctor' or something? Again, it improves flow and gets it more advanced.
You're using a lot of speaking compared to text. You need to balance it out but of you put in more detail, you'll be laughing.
How many people are there? You need to get it clear on the people numbers and other details of their surroundings because, as I said, I assumed of where they were, ruining it slightly.
"And not just her[;] on the others too" or for greater impact "But it wasn't just her: the others too." colons bring amazing emphasis on words and phrases and that's a point that you want to make so make it obvious.
Honestly, I would have stopped reading there and skipped to the end. For me it's pretty basic and boring with the only thing actually keeping me here is because I'm too lazy to load up a new page with my slow internet. You have a good plot, one which isn't even your's to start with, and that doesn't deserve to be let down by the writing.

Section Two:
"like this!?!" You don't do that. It's '?!' and not multiples of them that take up half a line. These really bug me too, even if it's someone doing it over FB. Ah, I love my muddled mind(!)
More description here. Where are they? How are they connected to the first section? Why isn't this answering any of my questions? You need to get that point across!
You need to make Lex sound like she's moaning, that she's someone that could get on your nerves quicker than a swarm of flies on a spilt sundae. Emphasise! You used a single exclamation marks when Tim was speaking. He's meant to be angry but I don't see it from what you're telling me. You need to show more. Descriptions are stronger than narration and you're doing a lot of telling. It's getting frustrating.
Again, one exclamation mark with the 'sh'... Actually, it should be 'shush' not 'sh'.

Section Three:
Start off with description, not speech! It's more depthful. If you do decide on using speech first, put description after, not a reply from a person, 'kay?
"together[: she wasn't]." for emphasis.
*snigger* "hissing roaring sound"? How about snarl? If I were you I would invest in a thersauras.
"with her [vunerable] flesh." The little bit pf description that you have isn't all that good. Use detail and depth.

Section Four:
There's no point in this one. Just get rid of it.

Section Five:
I have nothing else to say other than what has already been said minus: SLOW DOWN! You're going too fast and need to slow the pace considerably.

Section Six:
This is so rushed it's unbelievable. Just slow down. They're about to be rescused and should be as happy as hell. You have no emotion in their words at all. It's like they're about to get into the car to pop down to the shops. There's nothing there that is showing this.

Overall:
Good plot but it's extremely basic and nothing that makes it stand out. Honestly, as a draft it's good but it's nothing more at all. Look at what I've said and message me if you want more explanation etc.

Whoo, typing on phones takes a while. If you don't appericate this then I'll go and lob myself out of a [ground story] window [with a mattress at the bottom]